Movie Review: The Watchmen
Sometimes a movie comes along that only has non-famous actors in it and it becomes a huge success, regardless. Juno was like that and it went on to be nominated for something. Well, this year’s unlikely hit is based on a book and called The Watchmen.
Masked Watchmen Girl Flexes
The Watchmen are a group of superheroes who used to be friends, but don’t see much of each other anymore because they are all retired. Retired, that is, until one of their friends is killed by an unknown person (and the twist of the identity of the villain is really good because you totally think he’s a good guy, the whole time) and it’s up to the Watchmen to get back to work.
Individually, they are all good crime fighters and good at karate, judo and martial arts. But as a team, their combined super powers make the Watchmen an unstoppable force against any crime world. Dr. Manhattan is made up, more or less, of electricity and ice. He can teleport, makes people throw up, makes himself really big, builds complicated machines without having to touch stuff and lives in space because it stays really cold and he’s part ice. Unlike all of the other Watchmen, however, he wasn’t born with super powers. Dr. Manhattan got his by accident when he was a scientist and was electrocuted in a giant machine and lost all his hair and clothes. I didn’t really like the character all that much because he just seemed kind of moody and spent a lot of time criticizing the other superheroes. Apparently, being a nice friend is not one of his powers. Dr. Bummertown’s more like it. The one thing the movie borrows (steals?) was the look of Dr. Manhattan. Oh really, he just happens to look like the guys from Blue Man Group? I don’t think so. To me, that’s pretty unoriginal and lazy. Okay, so the actor is bald, they could have made Dr. Manhattan into a genie or a given him a hat. But, that’s JMTC.
Apparently, Dr. Manhattan Hates Clothes And Smiling. Jeesh!
My favorite Watchmen, the only female character, is a brunette that wears a yellow super hero outfit as a disguise. Besides being an amazing kung fu person, she has the ability to slow down time during a crisis. She uses this power to barely escape from a burning building and also during fights with bad guys. Oh, and she’s totally making out with two of her friends. I won’t say who, but I will say that one of them actually shows his real penis in the movie and…it’s blue. *SPOILER*
Night Owl can see in the dark and drives the team’s spaceship that shoots fire and is also a submarine. Rorschach is another hero and can change the shape of his mask, keeps a diary and is a redhead. I didn’t like this character, at all. He should have been called Short Fuse because, not only is he short, but is mean to everybody and to dogs. Granted, his anger might all tie in to him being shorter than normal people, but I was actually sort of glad he goes to jail!
The two other characters are kind of, well, not quite totally original. The first one is the guy that dies at the beginning in a bath robe. Obviously building off the popularity of Heath Ledger’s Joker, the movie introduces character called (are you ready for this?) Comedian. Ha! The thing about this is that, in both cases, neither character is funny. They go through all this trouble to think of a cool name and then don’t do anything else with it. WTF? Anyway, Comedian is an army guy that can travel through time and smokes cigars. The other character is a businessman who is really a wizard named Ozymandos. Really, guys? A wizard? Oz? *insert giant eye roll* Lame.
Night Owl and Rorschach Come Out Of Retirement To Fight Bad Guys
At over two hours, the movie itself is hard to follow and I admit that I was totally lost by the end of the movie. I like super hero movies where there’s a major villain and all the main super heroes have to figure out a way to stop him. To me, that’s a fun movie. Especially, if one of the characters has a dog or a pet that tags along for some of the missions because, no matter who you are, that’s cute. This movie was not fun or cute. Now, I’m not a prude, but I thought some of the scenes were just over the top, especially the gore and sex. In both cases, these were very explicit and made me sort of uncomfortable. Seeing all of the blood and bones and butts made me completely understand why someone said the novel is graphic.
Now, given the fact that the 80’s are making a huge comeback (i.e. fashion, music, clothes, etc.), it’s no accident that the Watchmen were like, “Hey, let’s set the movie back in the 80’s because it’s kind of popular, again.” I thought this was a good idea, but they totally missed what the 80’s were all about. It would have been so easy to have someone playing an old video game like Pac-man or pinball or have some of the Watchmen go see a popular 80’s band like Thriller or Madonna. That would have been “like, totally tubular!” 
Who doesn't?!
Then again, perhaps, maybe the setting of the 80’s had another purpose. As with all super hero movies, this one will no doubt become a trilogy. Where do Dr. Manhattan and Rorschach go off to at the end? Do Night Owl and the girl end up getting married? Do their kids have super powers? Did the wizard guy go to jail? There are so many unanswered questions that they have no choice but to make more movies. For all I know, they had this in mind all along. If so, it might be cool if part two takes place in the 90’s and then have the third one be modern day because then it makes it easier to watch.
I didn’t like this as much as Dark Knight or Iron Man DVD, but maybe the rest of the trilogy will be better.
I give The Watchmen two out of five winks.
Tags: 90265, blockbuster, cinema, entertainment, film, hollywood, Joker, LeBeouf, Ledger, Malibu, manhattan, Movie, movies, novel, owl, popcorn, review, Shia, smartness, tween, watchmen, wizard of oz, youthful opinion
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March 11, 2009 at 22:23
Hi sweetheart,
I have to admit that I have not heard of this movie yet, but I liked your review of it. Doesn’t sound like a movie I’d enjoy, does it?
Keep writing! And your little dog too!
August 25, 2009 at 10:57
If you listen to this morons review you’ll be missing out on a whole lot of movies, anything with a plot more complicated than MonstersInc. basically…
March 12, 2009 at 04:48
Check out this Watchmen marquee. The Squid is all in your head:
http://fullbodytransplant.wordpress.com/2009/03/12/bring-your-own-squid/
Brilliant.
March 12, 2009 at 06:13
Paint a bullseye on your forehead so that I may barrage you with ’stupid’ bullets.
March 12, 2009 at 12:31
Yeah criticize everyone else meanwhile your use of the word fucktard definitely puts you in the genius category yourself. Jackass
March 12, 2009 at 14:01
How tall is your ivory tower? You just said that everyone on the internet are inbred and stupid but your on here calling out other peoples behavior. hipocrit
March 12, 2009 at 14:20
I’m not insulting someone for opinions, or for no reason at all. I’m insulting people who insult others.
Oh, and it’s ‘hypocrite’
March 27, 2009 at 00:23
Your name is mine.
March 12, 2009 at 12:21
First of all, even if this is meant as “a joke” I don’t find it remotely clever or amusing. I question whether you even saw the movie because nothing you mentioned was correct. Dr. Manhatten is the only one that has any super abilities all of which are complex and scientificly accurate. The story itself is layered with social commentary and storylines and again you completely missed this. You are a little girl that knows nothing about movies!
March 12, 2009 at 13:26
First off, since when is Doctor Manhattan “scientifically possible?”
March 12, 2009 at 17:40
Well Starfire, Doctor Manhattan was a scientist so that makes it possible. He was very smart and could rebuild himself so I’d have to say it’s pretty accurate and could totally happen.
I’m not sure what the joke was in the movie though. People looked surprised when the bombs went off but it wasn’t like “LOL” it was more like “WTF?” KWIM?
Anyway the only part I though twas funny was when Janice turned on the fire jet and almost burnt down Night Owl’s tunnel! THAT was funny! She was a riot!
March 12, 2009 at 14:05
I dont care if this chick got information wrong or not. The movie sucked! Waste of 3 hours
March 12, 2009 at 17:33
Holy crap. I never caught the wizard/Oz connection before. So many layers to this story and I miss something so obvious.
Did anyone else notice that Thundercat cameo at the North Pole? They obviously took a page from Iron Man sneaking in Patch Jackson and are hinting at a crossover! That will be so cool! Too bad it got shocked like that but maybe that’s the new origin of Lion-O.
And yes, it’s wide open for sequels and spinoffs and TV shows. Night Owl and Janice should totally have their own show like “Smallville” but set in today’s time so that Baby Boomers have a show to watch with old super heroes in it. My mom would enjoy that.
I thought it was great they got Nixon. He looked a little weird but did a good job. He’s a pretty decent actor. I was glad he did not have any nude sex scenes though.
Great review! Keep them coming!
March 13, 2009 at 13:29
It’s not going to be a trilogy. It’s a graphic novel, ergo, it ends. That’s it. Fans would have a field day if they did something as stupid as have a sequel with Nite Owl and Spectre II’s kids. Hell, I’d have a field day.
Personally, I think your review was off. You DO realize that the novel was written during the 80’s, right? And that the setting–for it to a be a good adaptation of the novel, anyway–had to be set in the 80’s?
In the end, they made the movie they wanted to make; I’m not a Snyder fan, but I commend him for doing that much.
March 14, 2009 at 16:04
It’s got a lot of potential to be a trilogy. They left Inkblot’s diary for people to find so the world is going right back to the way it was whether that nippled man likes it or not. And he’ll be angry because he spent thousands of dollars (which was a lot in the 80’s) trying to trick people.
And then there’s the Blue Man Group, all those people who got electrocuted by Nipple Man who will come back just like Doctor Manhattan, including the Thundercat!
They will do a prequel, too.
March 13, 2009 at 13:41
This review is just terrible. Do you not understand the movie at all? Manhattan living on space because its cold and he is part ice? 1. he is not part ice 2. he doesnt live up there he went there because he didnt care about earth. Laurie can slow down time?! Veidt a wizard?! Where the hell did you think of this?! Manhattan is the only one with powers no one else does.
March 13, 2009 at 14:23
How old are you?
Stick to movies with depth that you can comprehend like Toy Story or Cinderella
March 13, 2009 at 15:23
You poor thing *pats writer on the head* Did big bad movie make head get hurty?
Shhh, there there. It’ll be okay…shhhh
March 13, 2009 at 20:10
Oh dear god I hope all of these reviews are one big joke.
March 14, 2009 at 00:25
i just got back from watching Watchmen; in retrospect, the movie leaves me feeling a bit haunted by it’s style and storyline, though in a good way
March 14, 2009 at 16:55
Another great review, V. Especially for a bad movie liek this.
March 15, 2009 at 14:44
Great review. I laughed quite a bit reading it and then even more reading the comments. I wish there were more of them:)
March 18, 2009 at 13:19
Some of you keep saying this is good “hilarios” or like the Onion or whatever but its not because its not funny, not ironic, not cute, it’s just someone being dumb. No 18YO girl is that clever. Sorry. She’s a moron.
March 20, 2009 at 03:57
If you don’t think it’s a good review, fine, but that doesn’t make you right.
A. It’s insulting to 18 year old females everywhere to say they can’t be clever or witty.
B. How do you even know it’s an 18 year old female? Maybe it’s a male horse!
March 20, 2009 at 13:05
C. It IS an 18 year old female, the very demographic you think is inferior to yourself!
March 19, 2009 at 12:21
YOUR RETARDED!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 19, 2009 at 12:27
woooo…I think you could use some help with plot, character developement and maybe some philosophy courses might help.
Hard to follow???
March 19, 2009 at 15:55
I’m sorry that you didn’t understand the movie, might have been a bit mush for you. as for the 80’s crackwell I find it hard to believe that any one who doesn’t know what a grafic COMIC is could know anything about the 80’s Grafic does not reply to the fact of sex but the fact that it is for grown ups, The Watchmen was geared to the adult persons when it was put out. And the whole time thing you mentioned I’m sorry to say was only special effects for the movie the person had no superpowers, right, the only one who had powers was Mr. Manhattan.
I don’t think you can really judge a movie well and the review you gave it was based on a nonunderstanding of movies and the history of the movie The Watchmen. Next time you don’t understand something do better research, find out what it is you are seeing and pick up a book and the dictionary so you might understand what you are reading and seeing
March 20, 2009 at 03:59
I hate you. On an intelligence scale a door-mouse outweighs you, and an amoeba is about even.
May 8, 2009 at 11:02
Well said, SATIRE. One thing I think we can all agree on though, is how totally cool it is that the internet is so anynomous. So you can say things to other f***tards that you would never ever say to anyone if you were having a real conversation with them. I’m trying to make this official. Look for a petition to the supreme court soon. Oh, and F**K you, assface.
March 25, 2009 at 15:15
This is either a funny satire, or the most stupid girl in the world.
If this is not a satire, you should learn that it’s okay to make a movie that doesn’t follow a formula.
March 27, 2009 at 19:47
Oh man, this is hilarious! Keep up the good work. Definitely a unique spin on movie reviews.
Good job.
March 29, 2009 at 21:34
The graphic novel was published in 1987. Considdering the fact that the movie exactly follows the plot of the novel, I think that the joker from the dark knight may have borrowed from Watchmen, not the other way around. Seriously people wiki it before talking out your arse
March 29, 2009 at 23:49
Yet another insightful reveiw! I saw the movie and quite enjoyed it, but I still think some of your criticisms are valid. It’s too bad not enough people understood that Dr. Manhattan was partially made of ice. It was essential to the plot! Sometimes people make me feel quite sad.
March 30, 2009 at 13:40
Nice review. Good points about the plot, or the tangle that sufficed for the plot as the movie progressed over its 9 or so hours in length.
I liked your point about the 80’s. I believe that you are right. Most kids today do not understand what that era was really like or about. There was a lot more optimism in 1 80’s minute than in this entire movie.
Our takes on Watchmen are on similar wavelengths. If you want to check out mine, I threw in a few pics and hopefully a witty comment or two.
http://fortresstakes.wordpress.com/2009/03/19/watchmen-2009/
March 30, 2009 at 16:51
Do you try to sound like a complete dumbass, or are you really just that stupid?
April 2, 2009 at 16:17
Thanks for this. Best review I’ve read of it thus far. Will you be doing a wolverine review anytime soon?
April 5, 2009 at 22:36
No understanding of this movie whatsoever.
Watchmen is based on a comic, not a book.
Dr. Manhattan is not made of electricity and ice. The accident tore his atoms apart. Somehow he was able to recreate himself. And from this incident he has gained the ability to control everything by controlling atoms. This makes him God-like.
Early in the movie they describe him on the news as a walking nuclear bomb.
Ice? Nope. Don’t let the blue color fool you.
Making people throw up is not something he intents to do and I would not call it an ability of his.
One person reacted this way to the teleportation. I’d describe that as a form of sea sickness. She has just travelled through time and space, and it upsets her stomach. It’s not that he made her throw up. It’s a side effect. It’s a human reaction.
Dr. Manhattan is moody because he can see everything. He knows everything. That’s a lot to bear.
By the way. The comic was written and released in 1986-87. Blue Man Group was formed in 1988. Dr. Manhattan was blue before they were blue.
And The Comedian was created when Heath Ledger was a kid.
Nobody is able to slow down or travel through time. Slow motion is a well-known and often used movie special effect that allows people to see what is happening even when it’s supposed to happen very, very fast.
And lots of movies use flashbacks to display past events. It doesn’t mean that the characters have travelled back in time to interfere with their past.
Rorschach is not mean to dogs in general. He is angry because a little girl was killed by a sick person and in that clip he has just found her remains.
The movie does a good job describing why he is the way he is. I’ll agree that he isn’t likable. But if you expect to see a movie with a lot of friendly characters that you will like, then this movie just isn’t for you.
Ozymandias isn’t a wizard. He’s the smartest man on earth. The movie tells you.
And as for the name. Actually it is another name for the egypt pharaoh, Ramesses II, as well as a lot of other things. It has nothing to do with the wizard of Oz.
Going back to the 80’s. The moviemakers didn’t decide to set the movies in the 80’s because of some 80’s comeback. The comic was written and released in the 80’s.
And this is not supposed to be a movie about the fun of the 80’s. Fact is that there was also a cold war going on and that there was a real nuclear threat.
Since the story was written during the 80’s I think it’s a bit much to tell people that lived during the 80’s, that they got it wrong.
And I have to say that this will not be a trilogy. There are no more comics. The story has ended. Yes, it’s an open ending, but still it’s the ending of the comic.
If they did make a sequel to this, it would be like making a sequel to The Passion of the Christ.
April 7, 2009 at 12:56
Christian, you are frickin hilarious!
August 25, 2009 at 10:49
Couldn’t had said it beter myself! bravo!
July 21, 2009 at 16:24
Durrrr… finally a movie review I can understand! Durrrr….
July 25, 2009 at 18:14
Id right something good here, but you would probably not understand it
July 26, 2009 at 20:32
Okay, before I completely make you look like a total jack ass, I have to ask if this is supposed to be some kind of joke. If not i have never heard anything so stupid from someone who probably isn’t a mental defect.First of all, none of them have powers other than Dr. Manhattan AND this comic book was made before the Blue man group. Plus in my opinion, Laurie ( the token girl) was the worst character. she was very selfish and she was a total whore. You shouldnt listen to what this person wrote people. Please do more research when “reviewing” movies and also try thinking before doing something stupid.
Thank you Christian and YourADumbFuck. You obviously understood the movie and or comic.
August 25, 2009 at 10:44
The graphic novel came out in 1986 wayyyyy before Blue Man group, God, why don’t you pedantic morons do some research before letting everyone know just how dumb you are.