Movie Review: The Pretty Woman

Since there’s nothing out right now that I feel like reviewing and because my birthday is coming up (clearing throat as a hint to view Amazon wish list, clearing throat as a hint to view Amazon wish list), I thought it would be cool to rent and review whatever the top movie was that was playing on my birthday (May 11, 1990). I looked it up and it was a Julia Roberts movie called The Pretty Woman.

"Hi, We're Bringing You The News That No One Will Remember."

It’s weird to look back and see what was popular when you (me) were (was) born. I did a search for stuff on that day (that most-amazing-greatest-day-for-everyone-in-the-world day!) but, disappointedly, not a whole lot happened, just a bunch of news. The lame thing about the news is that it only seems important at the time, but it doesn’t have a lot of lasting power. I mean, unless it is something big like a politics person is assassinated or maybe a famous actor is arrested for drugs or attacking someone with a Paparazzi camera, it’s like you go back and look at the news and are kind of like, “I can’t believe that country even existed back then” or “That guy was the President?” You might as well go read old coupons, right?

Of course, I’m just as thrilled as my parents and grandparents and a lot of friends of the family and I’m sure a ton of people that work for my dad that I was born, but I’m kind of embarrassed of the day itself. Nothing happened! Noth-ing! But, just think how awesome would it be to be born on a day when something important and rememorable happened like a baseball guy makes some famous goal in the last round or there was that memorable thing that happened on live television or there’s a school shooting or whatever? Everyone is going to know that day and say, “OMG, you’re so lucky!” when they find out it’s your birthday. Also, the good thing about having it on a day when something big happens is this: no one will forget your birthday.

My Uncle Paul's Family Got Divorced

One of my most rememorable birthdays ever was my 11^th birthday. I had this huge slumber party and invited all of my best friends (and my cousin Cynthia, but she was visiting, so I sort of had to invite her. She was staying with our family for a few weeks because her parents were getting a divorce. Uncle Paul was cutting my aunt, Deborah, off from the joint account because she was sniffing a lot of drugs and spending all his money and she broke a really expensive bottle of wine and threatened to cut him with it. She was nuts!) to stay the night and we all stayed up until late (it had to have been close to 4AM) watching a scary movie about a doll that comes to life and is a bad guy. After some of the girls started to fall asleep, I heard this weird noise and it totally creeped me out. It sounded like someone really far away behind a wall or gagged was laughing or talking. My friend Sarah heard it and so I knew it was a real noise. Then, we heard it, again! Of course, the first thought was that it was an escaped mentally challenged person or a ghost trying to haunt us because it knew we watched a scary movie. But, no, it turns out it was Cynthia. The girl I didn’t technically even invite to my party had drank too much milk when we had cake and it gave her really bad gas. She was so gross!

If My Cousin Cynthia Was A Man

I know you’re supposed to pretend birthdays aren’t about gifts, but, please, they totally are. I have no problem admitting that I love getting presents (clearing throat as a hint to view Amazon wish list, clearing throat as a hint to view Amazon wish list) and the thing I hate the most is opening a present that you know is the last one because, no matter how great a gift it is, it’s kind of overshadowed by the No More Presents cloud. I would love to have a birthday like Hanukkah where it lasts all week and you get a present everyday and not just all at once. Although, I would have to spend an entire month 24-7 at the gym to work off all the birthday cakes I’d have to eat, but that might be worth it. Depends on the cake, though.

Old People Had Amazing Cakes Back Ago

Birthday cakes are sometimes an afterthought for people, but I think a great cake is just as important as bringing someone a gift. If my parents ever bought me one of those store-made cakes from Safeway or KFC, I think I’d throw up. My mom always goes to this specialty bakery in LA that will do a cake in any shape you want. On my 17^th birthday, she had them decorate a rum cake into, I swear, an exact replica of the accident I got into when I was at a red light and totally got plowed into by this guy on a bike. The cake me even had the same outfit that I was wearing when it happened! It was so funny.

Julia Roberts Was Considered Young In 1990

Sorry, I’m rambling. Anyway, my review of The Pretty Woman. Julia Roberts was young in this movie (probably around Shia’s age, now) when she did this movie, so she was still kind of pretty and didn’t look like she should be on TV, instead. She plays a prostituée who wears tall boots and meets a rich man who has a lot of money and is lonely and they fall in love and she wears a red dress.

I give The Pretty Woman three out of five winks.

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Tags: 1990, 90265, birthday, blockbuster, cinema, Cuteness, entertainment, film, gas, hollywood, julia roberts, Malibu, movie review, movies, Shia, youthful opinion

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