Movie Review: Xman – Wolverine

I would like to introduce you to a man, but he is no ordinary man…

He has claws in his fist (like a cat), the ability to heal (like Jesus) and he has a beard that doesn’t grow all the way (kind of like Christian Bale). He is Xman and is the title character of the superhero movie starring Britain actor Hugh Jackson in the reprisal role.

Xman Uses His Claws As Weights To Stay In Shape

This story tells about how Xman became Xman.

Wait, but wasn’t he already Xman in the other movies? Yeah, but this movie tells you how he becomes Xman.

Okay, but he already was Xman a few years ago. Yeah, and this movie explains how he got his powers.

Wasn’t he just born with them? Yeah, but this shows you how he got them from some bad army guys.

So, he wasn’t born with powers? No, he was.

Pretty Much The Best Power Ever

Surface to say, this movie is confusing. So, I will not attempt to recount the plot or even summarize the storyline, but instead will just tell you stuff I liked. It introduces us a lot of new characters who have a bunch of different powers, some of which you can actually understand. My favorite power, of course, was the girl that made her skin into diamonds. That’s got to be the coolest power I’ve ever seen. Can you imagine how much money she’d have every time she exfoliated? She’d be a gazillionaire! I want that power!

Xman/Wolverine

Although it may be hard to follow, the movie is incredibly innovative as far as telling a story. If for no other reason than the claws and giving Xman a new name, Wolverine, I think the movie will be remembered most for being one of the first times a sequel (or trilogy) takes place a few years before the other movies that were made before it. Confusing, right? Okay, imagine that there is a successful TV show and during, like, I dunno, the third season or something, the actors decide to make the pilot. Got it? So, it’s not a sequel, but a before-the-sequel. Technically, this movie is part four, but the story makes it seem like part one, which makes part one part two and so on. Huh? (*takes a deep breath*) Okay, now, don’t get me wrong, I totally respect actors trying to be more artistic, but I really believe in my mind that a lot of moviegoers will be confused by this story. The actors probably figured that once people owned all four DVD’s, that they would just watch this one first and eventually people will forget that it was made out of order.

"Adorable, Yes I Am. Retractable Claws? No, That's Totally Bogus."

We get to see Xman as a little boy, fight in some wars and then we learn by watching that the army put him in a tub of water that turned his bones into aluminum. The general of the army says that it’s because it will make him indestructible, but if anyone has ever put a piece of tinfoil in the microwave, then you know that that statement is so not true. Another thing that the movie completely makes up are Xman’s (aka Wolverine) claws. In reality, wolverines are real animals, but do not have retractable claws (something Hugh Jackson was probably hoping nobody knew about. Sorry, Mr. Jackson!) and are sometimes killed and made into boots.

The movie has a lot of explosions and killing, but it is a good movie for kids and families because it is relatively blood free (i.e. no nightmares). Also, the movie will help kids realize that all people, no matter race, gender or even fat, can work together. There are a lot of scenes where Xman has no shirt on, so those scenes are great for all women and some men. The only times the movie made me cringe, at all, in fact, were when Xman’s brother was fighting. He has these long fingernails and all I could think of was, “OMG, he’s totally gonna break one.” I mean, I’ve broken nails just driving or reading, but this guy jumps around and cuts people and furniture and never gets a chip. Next to the diamond skin, I think that is the second coolest super power and another one I’d like to have.

Sorry, Valverine. Can't type on your phone.

For the most part, I had fun watching this movie. I’ll even admit that after I got home I put some pens between my fingers and pretended they were claws, so that I could see what it was like. At first, I thought being “Valverine” was really neat, but then I quickly realized some of the limitations Xman would have in real-life. First of all, it is really hard to answer your phone and near impossible to type, especially on an iPhone. Like I tried to type ‘Hey, SJ. Wanna grab some sushi?’ and it came out ‘Fhjgfthkipfb gjsxbjMmk loHzflll’. This made me sad for Xman because other characters must think that he is kind of snobby because he never calls them, but it’s really just because he probably can’t pick his phone up to call someone back. And forget about being on

Sorry, Valverine. No Computer, either.

Twitter or writing a blog. It’s like he has this great power, but it has a curse on it or something, you know? Kind of like how sometimes really pretty girls don’t get asked out a lot because guys assume they’re too pretty to go out with them, so instead they don’t get to go on many dates, unless they ask the guy first.

DO NOT Throw Snowballs At This Guy

Ever since I saw the first and third movies (I never actually saw the second one), I always wondered why the letter X was used all the time as the symbol for pretty much everything. There were X’s on their clothes, on the bald guy’s wheelchair wheels, on their plane, not to mention Xman’s name. In Greek, X means ten. Is this a nod to the audience that there will be a total of ten films? We’ll have to wait and see…

I give Xman 3 out of 5 winks.

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